Dear Diary..

Dear Diary ..

30th of September, 2013

“Dear Diary,
Who ever said sleep cured being tired? Who ever said crying overcame sadness?
Who ever said keeping a positive mind could overcome depression?
Obviously someone who had never experienced falling so deep that
the way up was engulfed in a darkness so frightening that
attempting to climb the walls to freedom was not a possibility.

So many months ago I fell so far I completely lost myself, I thought I had hid rock bottom.
The only way from bottom is up right? Wrong. I started climbing my way up,
thought I was getting better, honestly things were looking up. I thought things were good.
Now I’m back at square one and I’m not sure why. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong
or what’s wrong with me. In my head now it feels like I have failed yet again,
and I have slipped and am slowly falling into the depths again.

I’m so exhausted. So drained. Lacking motivation, lacking energy, no happiness.
I can barely get out of bed again.
I sleep fine, I sleep lots, but it’s not curing this feeling.
I need to nap during the day, I’m putting on weight, binge eating, struggling.
I honestly don’t know why.
I just wish there was something medically wrong with me so it can be fixed, cured.
But the more appointments I go to, the hope I have left that I can get better is lost,
and after today I just feel even worse.

Do I give up and accept that maybe I am chronically fatigued and depressed
and get anti-depressants? Because I don’t want to feel like this anymore.
I feel like I’ve lost myself yet again and it upsets me because I don’t want to fail.
I promised myself and I promised the kids that I would get better for them, but I can’t.
I want to be better now and I don’t know what to do.

My anxiety has gotten so much better, I do things so much quicker than I used to,
my iron levels are better, I have my licence. I should be better.
I’m not sure why I’m not.. am I depressed? I don’t know!
I want someone to tell me. I can’t make all these decisions myself.
I feel like I’m too mature for my own good sometimes though,
like I know the solutions to most things, I just don’t know HOW.
I don’t let myself feel or cry or care because I know there’s no
point because I can’t change things so why feel at all?
My biggest problem in life right now is me.

I don’t know how to fix myself, but I just want answers and I’m unsure where to find them,
I just know I need them now.
I need to get better for the kids, for the people around me.
I feel like I’m starting to show my sadness in front of friends again,
and I can’t be bothered seeing people anymore- which is bad.
I don’t want to be like that.. Well I do, but I know it’s not best for me to shut myself out like I want to.
I think I need to go back to my Psychologist and be more open about all of this,
I just don’t understand why this is happening? Is is my fault?
I don’t have anyone else to blame, I don’t understand and I just can’t stop crying.
It does finally feel good to get some of these emotions out.

I’m lost. Where do I start?
I need to go back up again somehow, any how, all I know is that I have to.”

I am sharing with you some of my most personal journal entries.
The purpose of this is to show you that even when things get tough,
no matter how far down anxiety & depression drags you- that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, and that God/The universe/your higher self is always present, you just need to open your eyes to see.
Through these words I have looked back and realised, that I have always been an Empath,
I just didn’t have a name for it or understand what it meant.
Through this, I learnt to love, and trust myself,
I learnt that success is only as far away as your mind believes it is.

Over the series of these entries, you can see how things start to change, get better, then plummet.
Take note of the words I tell myself, and when things start going wrong I let myself get sucked back in.

Your words, your thoughts, and your self talk unleashes or blocks your potential.

You choose.

Don’t give up, have faith, there is always hope.
Sami xx


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