So you’re pregnant?
If you’re looking for a wake up call that slaps you like a cold bucket of water to the face on a winters morning which doesn’t usually come until Labor day, then you can rip up your lottery ticket because you’ve certainly hit the jackpot.
These posts are humorously written underlining the bold truths and realities of becoming a mother, whether young or old, partnered or single, planned or unplanned you would be surprised as to how different the similarities are with each mothers experience.
Put your feet up, get comfy. This is a must read & it may take a while!
P.s I am in no way a doctor.. medical professional.. NO!
Do not take my advice, just read and laugh!
(I may also quote myself, why? Because I CAN!)
Finding out you’re pregnant – planned vs unplanned.
In my own personal opinion, finding out you’re pregnant at a young age is one of the most life altering, gut wrenching things a woman will ever discover in her lifetime, right up there alongside finding out you’re being cheated on, that you may have been wrong in an argument, and maybe you’re not that good at driving.
Finding out you’re expecting something you technically weren’t expecting almost blows up your mind Hiroshima style, so much so that you have to do a whole other 23 tests just to confirm you haven’t suddenly needed glasses.
It’s never easy when you’re young and not in a position to take care of a child of your own, partnered or not, especially when you still have posters of hunks from Girlfriend magazine taped to your walls and are barely hitting the legal drinking age.
Truth is, you’ll probably spend the next few weeks hibernating under your covers, barely able to see your clothes on the floor due to the mass amounts of tissues piling around you.
If this sounds like you, you’re not alone.
“Planning to have a child in the future with your partner is exciting, especially when you get pregnant quicker than initially expected. Lots of couples struggle with trying for a baby for months on end before getting any results, and others, have no luck at all. Apparently though, I’m pretty fertile. I did the good old pee test with a girlfriend waiting outside just to rule pregnancy out of the equation as to why I felt so sick. I came out of the bathroom with tears welling in my eyes screaming at my girlfriend, “WHY IS IT POSITIVE?! IT’S POSITIVE! OH MY GOD THERE’S A BABY IN MY BELLY, WHAT DO I DO?!” of course my first instinct was to do more tests to confirm, and sure enough there was 2 lines just as I’d hoped. I was shaking in fear, thinking what the hell why did I do this again I just got skinny, haha! My excitement grew as I waited impatiently for my partner to come home from work so I could share the news. Turns out he was pretty thrilled, I could tell by the way he ran all the way down the driveway, picked me up and spun me around. I was just thinking, yeah I bet you’re happy you don’t have to get fat or try and push this thing out! Jokes aside, it brought us closer the next few months and we constantly argued about girl names, settled on a boys name, we’d talk for hours about who it would look like and what we wanted for the future. It was good while it lasted. Sharing the love of a child with a partner was something I hadn’t yet experienced, but was far more exciting.” – Sami
Who to tell and who not to tell, can you make it to the 12 week mark?
Knowing you have a child growing inside of you is probably one of the hardest secrets to keep because it’s something you want to scream from the rooftops so that even people you don’t know feel your joy.
Most pregnancies nowadays are kept a secret until the 12 week mark as after then the rate for miscarriage is substantially lower, and usually only close friends and family are the only people to know until then, some people wait longer, and some don’t tell people at all. Can you imagine the shock? Every decision in life that needs to be made is always done with reason and personal choice, there is no right or wrong.
“One thing I found when I was pregnant is that I immediately wanted to tell everyone because I wanted them to share my happiness, but I was quick to discover that “friends” and/or family were quick to over analyse, speculate and judge. I personally don’t blame them because I understand that every is entitled to their own opinion, and judging by the situation I was in they would assume the worst. I think it’s actually really horrible, you share your word with people you thought were close to you and they shovel piles of negativity onto you, your child and your decisions. It really puts a damper on the whole thing and does not help in the least. I guess it was a learning curve for me, I lost a lot of people in my life during my pregnancy, it seemed they decided it meant my life was over and a lot of people just slowly walked out on me. From the whole thing I learnt that I loved telling everyone about my surprise, and the people who were unsupportive and judgemental no longer held a place in my life, and to me that doesn’t matter anymore because truly caring people will always be by my side and I’d rather my child be born into a loving, supportive environment than anything else.” – Sami
Before an ultrasound, depending where you go, you may have to strip down to your underwear and throw on an over garment or you may not. You’re pretty much advised to drink enough water to fill a pool, don’t take it too seriously, if you drink too much chances are they will make you let a little loose to empty your tummy, good luck with holding the rest in! If there isn’t enough water in there they may just ask you to drink a little more and then try again.
You drink that little too much, you might find the pressure on your tummy outrageous and next minute you find yourself about to wee all over the doc! Not fun for anyone.
You’re very welcome.
So all that goes on in the routine ultra sounds is you lay back and they pull the sheet or your top up to rest just under your bra, lube up your belly and place their little hand held thingy (looks and feels kind of like a roll on deodorant stick) on your belly and they gently push it around so they can get a good view of bub, usually takes around halfa give or take whether bub is cooperating so the doc can take all sorts of weird measurements, they usually fill you in on what they are measuring and it’s so good seeing little bub up on the screen that you will most likely cry your little heart out so much that you’ll almost forget how badly you need to pee.
Ultrasound story “I was catching a bus with my two good friends to my first ultrasound, only having just found out I was pregnant. We were on the bus and there I was finishing off the 2 litres of water they told me to drink beforehand. All of a sudden I felt ill, it was mid summer and the heat was getting to me. My friends asked the bus driver to pull over and he refused saying we must wait until the next stop.Before I knew what was happening I turned to the aisle and threw up my entire stomach contents including the 2 liters of water all over this poor girls legs! She was in her late teens, wearing short shorts, a pair of thongs.. and now my entire regurgitated lunch! The bus driver pulled over, I apologized profusely and got off, the girl just sat there mortified! I have never been so embarrassed in my entire life.. ” – Courtney, 22.
Your jeans getting a little tighter..
So I bet you’ve noticed that your pants are getting a little tighter hey?
“I think we all go into the pregnancy thinking, I’m not going to let myself go just because I’m pregnant, I’m still going to look good in clothes, I’m going to rep being pregnant, and then when our pants start getting a little tighter we have a mental breakdown. It’s hard putting on weight and knowing you can’t do anything about it, and it’s only going to get worse. We can’t consider buying a size up in jeans, so we head for the maternity sections only to be welcomed with a big bunch of crap that looks like something your grandmas great aunt wouldn’t even wear if she had to choose between it and a paper bag. (Tip: You can find some cute maternity wear on e-bay for a decent price) once you sod off home and cry about it you decide your leggings and singlets will suffice.” – Sami
At first we embrace it and wear all our usual clothes until it’s skin tight, our belly’s are protruding out the bottom and our tits are escaping our tops like Prisoners of Azkaban. It is completely okay to stay in your trackies and uggies all day! (every day) You’re destined to put on more weight on your belly so that you look hideous in almost everything you own, not to mention the sets of double chins and hey there thunder thighs.
Your job right now is to take care of yourself while your body is creating another human inside of you, not to win Next Top Model or fashion queen of the year award.
No one really looks like a celebrity whilst pregnant.. besides celebrities, so unless you for some reason have a media crew of paparazzi following you around then don’t stress yourself out about your appearance.
Now could be the last time that you get to be fat on purpose for a perfectly acceptable reason, so why not let yourself go! (Of course once bub is born you can use the “I just had a friggen baby” excuse for having extra weight.. and when they’re a toddler, “I have kids okay”..When they’re in school then maybe that’s a better time to start stressing about your appearance).
” I can tell you from a guys point of view that up until the last trimester we find preggy chicks attractive” – Rob, 25.
The joy of t*ts.
Ah pregnancy t*ts, one of the joys right? True, your breasts to increase a lot. Enjoy it while it lasts darling. Going up a few sizes is one of the highlights, though towards the end they can be more of a pain than a gain. Not only are they enlarged but they are also about 743 times more sensitive, and although nice to look at, your partner may seem to think that they are now his new toys which can be pretty painful if he’s not gentle.
What they also don’t really tell you, is to buy breast pads for use while pregnant, not just breast feeding, Many women start lactating in the last few weeks of pregnancy, and if you’re not readily prepared you could be shocked to find stains the size of saucers around your nipples. Not a nice look, or smell either.
Appointments and supplements and needles
One thing you never really get used to is the appointments etc. Ever found yourself thinking, “I thought you just get really fat and emotional then 9 months later you pop out a baby no questions asked..” Of course you could choose to carry on your pregnancies alone with no medical help, I strongly advise you at least see a GP or do some serious researching on the necessities.
I don’t think any pregnancy book or website will tell you exactly what to expect because truth is, you can never ever expect what you’re in for, ever.
It is always a different experience for every single mother and father. Back to it, in time you’ll have appointments booked almost every 2nd week (that’s if everything is going well), you will have supplements coming out your ass, and needle marks up your arms from being jabbed a zillion times. If people say they don’t mind needles, they’re lying, Noone likes having them.
You do have to get a bit of blood taken whilst preggo just to test for certain things, it’s for yours and bubs safety, so just get it done. Don’t overthink it.
The only one that might make you sweat is the glucose test, we’ll leave that one for you to find out for yourselves, bottoms up!
As for the supplements etc, your GP or midwife will help you out with which ones are advised to take and so on, they will also give you a huge list of foods to stay away from.
Different foods and things can apparently cause all types of things to happen to your child, most of them are advised you stay away of, do be weary because it is up to you what you put into your body, just lay low on the soft serve ice cream, take away and sushi promise?
Always listen to your docs because they do know what they’re talking about in all aspects, if all else fails, Google yourself crazy on the can and cant’s and refer back to your doc.
Freaking out yet? Here’s a breakdown of the appointments.
There’s really nothing to get your knickers in a knot about just yet, majority of the appointments with the midwives are just the usual, chatting about you, the father, medical histories, height, weight, diet, taking your blood pressure and measuring.
Sometimes they will ask you to lay down to have a feel of your belly, nothing too suss, a little uncomfortable as you get bigger, don’t stress!
You don’t have to take your clothes off at this stage, maybe only lift your top up and pull your pants down a little, most of the midwives are women if that makes you feel any better.
The midwives are great, sometimes you’ll find yourself unlucky and catch one on a bad day, just remember they deal with a lot of unhappy patients and work very long shifts, don’t take it personally.
Midway through your journey they may do a swab for some things down below, sometimes they will do it and sometimes if you’re uncomfortable you can do it yourself.
All it involves is getting a cotton bud type stick thing (similar to those you shove in your ears), taking a trip the bathroom, dropping your pants and putting the swab pretty high up there to get a sample of whats inside, it only takes a few seconds. They send that off for testing, it’s usually accompanied by a urine test, which is the usual- drink until you’re about to explode, put the little cup where you assume your pee comes from and hope for the best, majority of which goes on your hands, but usually you can aim well enough to get it in or on the cup.
Please, do remember to thoroughly wash your hands after doing so, and dry the outside of the cup to save yourself the embarrassment of handing it back soaked in urine.
Once your belly is a little bigger they will usually start trying to find the heartbeat, don’t fret, they don’t always get it the first time.
All you need to do for that is lay back, they but some lube type gel on your belly and pull out their little hand held microphone thingy and if they find it, you will hear bubs heart beating, sounds a bit like what a police siren on a car chase would sound like if only it were underwater, and distorted a bit.. over a radio.. But it is amazing to hear, gives you butterflies like nothing else.
Majority of the appointments are the same, sometimes if complications arise or simply just because you’re referred you may have have to see an obstetrician. They generally wont need to do an internal until you’re past 30 weeks, work yourself up for this one. Everyone dreads them, they aren’t pleasant in the slightest, once it’s been done it’s done.
There’s no erasing that crap from your memory.
So what happens is you take your bottom half of clothes off and lay down, put a sheet on top of your legs that you pull up to where your underwear would sit, generally they ask you to make your hands into fists, and place them beneath your butt cheeks, and by then you’ll be tensing your knees together in fear, not many young woman have had pap smears or checks “down there”, and the first time can always be daunting.
You’ll be glad when it’s over but still dreading the next one. At least then you lost a little dignity and fear and next time there’s not as much to lose and you know what to expect so you can brace yourself.
“Internals suck, I lived most days of my pregnancy fearing that they would ask to an internal on the spot and I wouldn’t be mentally or physically prepared for one, I mean.. no doctor had been there, my heart would race during every appointment, it’s one of those times when us women over think the situation.. Do we shave, do we get waxed before hand, what if I haven’t showered, what if there’s hair there, what if my f***y is abnormal or there’s an alien growing down there and I never even knew?! People always say, ‘Don’t worry, it’s their job, they do it on old ladies too, I’m sure they aren’t scared of a little hair down there’, Hell no, I was shaving that sh*t right off, I don’t want her peepin’ on my lady bits and judging me, she doesn’t know my life! Haha, honestly the first time sucked especially because I was in labor, it wasn’t pleasant and it was pretty uncomfortable but as soon as it was done, it was over. Whatever, it was nothing in comparison to the fact that I was about to try and push a watermelon out of my sultana!” – Sami
It would seem logical to have this topic earlier, but you should know I’ve strategically placed this towards the middle because by now you’re probably realising that morning sickness is NOT just in the mornings, and in most cases most certainly does NOT go away.
Some are lucky enough to not have it at all, but if you’re hoping to be part of that small minority then keep dreaming.
Not only might you be feeling constantly sick, the fun part is when your nose gets all sensitive and certain smells set you off, oh you just wait.
It’s like when you’re hanging out with some girlfriends and someone’s eating something that your has now decided it doesn’t cooperate with, just the THOUGHT of those items will either have you running to the bathroom straight off, or having you gagging so loud that your friends will cry with laughter, and once you compose yourself, wait until you start laughing about it.
Yep that’s right, laughing, yawning and/or coughing during morning sickness and/or being around those smells will make you gag like your belly’s full of maggots.
“I remember Jaymee bought me some cologne before she fell pregnant, and during her pregnancies and even still now I’m no longer allowed to wear it because she can’t stand it!” – Rob, 25.
TIP: Stay away from strong smells. get to know the things that set you off. Having some dry crackers and water next to your bed at all times is an excellent way to curb morning sickness. Before getting up sit in bed and relax for a while, have a few saladas/sakatas or whatever your choosing to settle your stomach before you get up for the day! It will help decrease the sickness you feel.
What not to name your baby
What they forget to mention about picking baby names is to think about the child’s future.
For example picking and regretting giving your child so many names, why? ‘Coz 4 years later you’re filling out enrolment forms and the name doesn’t fit and it’s a pain in your ass, or when you’ve named them something unique and you’re trying to seriously tell them off and saying the name seems ridiculous,
“YOU BETTER PUT THAT CHOCOLATE BACK IN THE PANTRY LEMON OR YOU’LL GET A SQUEEZING!” “YOU BETTER PUT THAT JUICE BACK IN THE FRIDGE CREAM OR YOU’LL GET A WHIPPING!”
Or giving your child names that they or others will never be able to pronounce. ” phteven” “mzranadeicefdth” “zxtwx” Your child’s name is their identifier throughout kinder and primary school until others decide to stick nicknames on them due to their appearance or habits, don’t make it easier by giving them a crappy name. If it’s “cool” now, by the time they’re in high school it wont be.
Tip: Try imagining holding your baby in your arms for the first time, what do you want to call them? I also imagined using different names in sentences and contexts.. does it sound funny? Can this name be turned into a rude word or does it rhyme with something bad?
Food, cravings, exercise & sleep.
Food. Probably one of the only words that will have a pregnant woman rolling right out of that bed and running(waddling) like she’s in the bloody Olympics.
Food is a pregnant woman’s friend, most of the time. Some say you’re eating for two, what they don’t tell you is that it’s more like you’re eating on behalf of your whole damn country.
It is after all the only time you can eat mostly whatever you like, without having to pay the consequences of putting on weight, because lets face it, it’s bound to happen.
Can’t sleep? Aww that sucks, go have some water and back to bed.
More like, hey there fridge long time no see.. just kidding it’s me again and I forgot to grab the whipped cream!
Yes the rumours are true, you do crave some pretty strange things whilst pregnant. Don’t be scared, unless you end up being one of those people who eat dirt.. or metal.. and things that aren’t really edible.
Usually it’s more like you want peanut butter on ice-cream or everything flavoured banana, but sometimes you get really strong urges for particular foods and you can’t put your mind at ease until you get that meat lovers pizza with no meat, extra garlic and Vegemite into your belly.
Sometimes during your pregnancy you’ll feel like eating everything in the whole damn supermarket, and some days you’ll be so put off food that even looking at it makes you want to gag, advice, keep eating, moderately healthily, if you’re missing out then bubs is missing out.
It is also suggested that you keep active during your pregnancy.. not sure if whoever said that had ever been pregnant before or not.. regardless, physical exercise will keep you going and make it easier to pick back up after bubs is born.
“I personally never exercised at all during my pregnancies.. or before hand for that matter, I did however do a lot of walking because I didn’t have a car, which was a pain in the ass but I guess it kept me active which was good! Hell no if I was going to be doing anything else that required any kind of physical activity from me! Keep dreaming. “ – Sami, 22.
Obviously when you’re pregnant yes, your hormones do escalate, a lot. Not to mention if you’re a young mum you’ve probably only started hating all the changes you’ve discovered since recently going through puberty yourself, and now you’re going to put on weight whether you like it or not. Your body goes through a hell of a lot of changes during pregnancy, and most of it is overwhelming. If you were good at controlling your moods and temper on your period before, that’s probably going to go out the window. The thing with your hormones increasing is that most of the time they are uncontrollable, and sometimes it can be embarrassing.
You may find yourself watching T.V and balling your eyes out over something that usually you wouldn’t bat an eye at, like some nice jewellery, a cute puppy, or when you see a top that you know just wouldn’t fit you. Not only that, but everything baby related is bound to make you cry, oh and you can forget crime shows, you’ll start imagining every person young or old as if they were your own child and feel so upset at the thought of anybody being injured, and take the toll of the loss or hurt incurred upon yourself.
What they don’t tell you about being pregnant/becoming a mother is that you’re given a new set of eyes, you come to a realisation that every person on this earth started off in a belly such as your own, and once was a helpless little child.
You take daily walks in other peoples shoes feeling all sorts of emotions on their behalf.
Jealousy is a well known whoremone to the growing baby mumma, anyone who looks great or is able to do anything that you are no longer able to is a now on the top of your hit list.
Your friend comes to visit, piss off you skinny b*tch, when they eat a normal sized meal, screw you skinny b*tch, passing on your old clothes to a friend, get lost loser I want them back when I’m skinny again. If you’re not pregnant don’t even look at me, you’ll never understand. Naturally hating anyone that’s smaller than you. I hate your new size 10 jeans, they’re ugly, my maternity jeans are way better..
Finding yourself staring at people and their soft serve ice creams or milkshakes with a hate unknown to man.. Walking behind someone slow and thinking “jesus I’m fat as hell and I’m faster than you, move your ass grandpa”, death staring anyone that gets in your way, “get the hell out of my way, pregnant lady coming through”. Thinking everyone should automatically part the waters for you like you have a giant “give way” sign on your forehead.
People need to know, that whilst your partner or friend is pregnant, you do not have any legitimate reason to complain about anything at all, and anyone and everyone else’s opinion about anything to do with you or your child is invalid and unheard, even if you are also pregnant.
We love to complain, it’s in a pregnant woman’s nature, so if we want something just do it, the complaining will not stop until the problem is resolved. It’s about the only time in a woman’s life that when she complains to a man that she actually wants him to come up with a solution and fix it right then and there, rather than telling her to get over it and or waiting ’till the 10th time she asks to do something about it.
Pregnant talk deciphered for men
What does my pregnant girlfriend/wife mean?
“Ouch, my back, feet or any body part is sore” = Massage it. Right now. Get the oils (Make sure they are pregnancy safe ones).
“I’m hungry” = If you hear this, run, as fast as you can to the nearest store with a list of what she wants, do NOT suggest she make something or offer things in the cupboard.
“I’m not sure about this afternoon I’m too tired” “I’m going to have to waddle all the way there” “I’ll be the fattest one there” “I look disgusting” = Cancel whatever plans you both had, run her a warm bath, candles and all, make her a cup of tea and send her to bed.
“Hmm I have so much washing to do” “This bin is about to overflow” “So many dishes!” “Not enough pillows” = Anything of this nature, or that sounds like she’s talking to herself out loud, please note: these are not statements, nor questions. They have obviously hidden hints in which she wants you to pick up because doesn’t want to be a pain and ask. When you hear these things, you do not ask to help her with them, you simply do them without a peep. She will thank you later.
“Do I look fat in this?” “Should I buy this top? I’m scared it wont fit me” “This devil child is kicking the hell out of me” = It’s a trick, get the hell out of there, run, and go to your nearest store for food for her.
Will people judge me when I’m pregnant?
One of the things many women struggle with is being constantly judged and criticised for being pregnant at a younger age. The world around us has this way of looking down upon the younger generation for being pregnant, one look and they’ve formed a quick assumption that your child was an accident, and then the train of negative thoughts stops at all stations.
What people don’t understand is that sometimes it’s not always the way it looks, just because someone is walking alone doesn’t mean they’re single, just because they look sad doesn’t mean they’re regretting their decision, just because they are in trackies and thongs with no makeup on or hair a mess doesn’t mean that they are on drugs or in it for the money, just because they wear shorts during summer doesn’t mean they must’ve been easy and don’t know who the father of the child is.
Just because she looks young, doesn’t mean she is, and just because she LOOKS pregnant, doesn’t necessarily mean she is!
Next time you see someone who looks a little younger, and a little pregnant, rather than letting them know your harsh judgement with your eyes, try giving a smile. A smile because though young, she believes planned or not that it happened for a reason, and she is obviously planning on living her life doing everything in her power to provide for her child and give it exactly the same love as your mother gave you, and you gave your child.
You want to talk about her mothering skills?
How about you wait until her child is grown up and have a discussion with them yourself.
Chances are that if you’re being horrible with your eyes, that she in turn is thinking about you and your crap ability to judge someone so quickly.
So when she gives you a smug smile, maybe try thinking about how it says more about you then her.
The rude, outrageous things our pregnant brains think in relation to being stared at in disgust while judging us & wondering why we’re smiling at you:
“Piss off you’re just jealous that you’re naturally fat and I’m 8 months pregnant and way hotter than you”
“What are you, 80? Gross” – to anyone who stares at you and looks a day older than you.
“You’re just jealous my baby’s going to be way hotter than yours, or you”
“You’re just jealous that I’m going to be a MILF”